Angels, etc...

Do you believe in angels? I do. I know my Grandmother is hovering over me most, if not all, of the time. I just don't feel alone. And Beliefnet sent me some unsolicited email but it caught my attention & I looked a little further. They'll send you daily 'Angel Wisdom'. It's really quite interesting - lots of stories people have submitted about their experiences that can't be explained beyond 'my angel helped me'. The stories are intriguing. The ideas are comforting.

My Dad has been diagnosed with quite possibly the rarest cancer known: Blastic NK-Cell Lymphomas (Agranular CD4+CD56+ Hematodermic Neoplasms). Now, NK = Natural Killer. Seems to me they could come up with a more scientific sounding name than THAT! Dad is #101 to receive this diagnosis ever on this planet. I always knew he was a special man, but C'MON!

FWIW, here's a blurb: Blastic natural killer (NK) cell lymphoma, also termed CD4+CD56+ hematodermic neoplasm (CD4/CD56 HN) is a rare clinical entity encompassing distinct genetic, morphologic, etiologic, and diagnostic criteria. Since 1994, several individual cases or small series of CD4/CD56 HN cases have been reported as distinct entities using an array of names.[1-19] It has been suggested that CD4/CD56 HN originates from the NK-cell lineage mainly because the tumor cells express the CD56 surface antigen. In the current World Health Organization (WHO) classification of lymphoid malignant neoplasms, the diagnostic entity termed blastic NK-cell tumors has been proposed for tumors satisfying the diagnostic criteria for CD4/CD56 HN.[20] However, there is scant evidence for an NK-cell lineage origin, and the precise derivation was not asserted in the WHO classification scheme.


Makes a lot of sense, huh? Our family went from the best Christmas ever to this. He didn't feel well when he left my sister's on Wednesday 12/28 & went to the doctor Thursday to be immediately admitted. I got this call while I was in Connecticut as I was headed back home from my sisters. From our small town, Maine hospital he went to Bangor the nearest city(1 hour away). On Friday night, I get a call that they are looking at blood cancers. It was right after my daughter's basketball game & I am outside screaming. Nice. A few days later, the strain gets to me. My siblings - his blood children - are all flaking out in one direction or another - various forms of denial. I lose it in the parking lot. Bawling my eyes out...no holds barred. Now people avoid me. Even though my rational, sensible self has returned. *rolling eyes*

The docs in Bangor checked out every possible thing, said, "we can't figure it out - off to Boston w/you!" He got a 4 1/2 hour ride to Boston in an ambulance!!! At this point, Mom is a basket case. She heads home to pack a bag & head for Boston but finds a flat tire. How to add insult to injury. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger? Enough already! She calls our mechanic in Dover & he sends someone after her & the van. She takes dad's car to Boston. SHE isn't driving in downtown Beantown but we're very lucky to have very close friends in 'metrowest' who will give her a place to stay & drive her in. This is actually the widow of dad's best friend who died of cancer last summer. Unbelievable all around.

He's at Dana Farber Cancer Institute Saturday - Monday. Yes, over New Years. They finally decide they need a bone marrow autopsy. He says he is NOT sitting there while waiting for the results & heads home. A week later we receive this horrible diagnosis. They schedule massive chemo almost immediately although it seemed like forever. And he is doing well. He's alive. He isn't *supposed* to be alive. He feels good. He's not *supposed* to feel good. His bloodwork looks good. It's not *supposed* to look good. He gets tired, he's irritated that it takes so long at the hospital to receive transfusions & chemo. He wants to work; he's bored & a bit lonely. But, as a friend of his said to me, "I've never seen Hap back down from a fight; he's not going to start now."

I found the general consensus re: treatment response: Currently, there is no effective curative treatment for CD4+CD56+ hematodermic neoplasms. After excisional biopsy, diagnosis, and clinical staging, patients are treated with polychemotherapy for either acute myeloid malignancy or high-grade non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Although most patients respond favorably to initial chemotherapy treatment, they invariably experience relapse at extracutaneous sites, such as the bone marrow. After marrow involvement, patients quickly progress into a leukemic phase and die shortly thereafter. Marrow involvement appears to be a bad prognostic indicator.

And yes, it's already in his bone marrow. Did I mention that this is VERY BAD?

Where was I? Angels.....

I'm again not convinced there's a God. There's too much bad in this world. Jesus probably lived. Mary was more likely impregnated by a man & made up a story so she wouldn't get in trouble. Believing is difficult. But angels, I can believe in. I can't describe any miracles besides my Dad's life. I can pray. Not sure who I'm praying TO, but I'm praying incessantly.

TODAY'S ANGEL WISDOM:
If your angel has helped you today, give the praise and glory to God.
-Eileen Elias Freeman,"The Angels’ Little Instruction Book"

*sigh* So I need to believe in God to believe in angels? I'll think about it, ok? It has been explained to me that there are angels all around. They want to help us, they just need to be asked. How about angel mail? Did you know you can write a letter to someone else's angel to ask for guidance? Lord knows I need all the guidance I can get. Directions are provided:

Steps for Mailing Requests to the Angels
1.Define your request.
2. Write your request on a piece of paper. Specify the angel you are addressing, for example:"To the guardian angel of ____________" or "To the prosperity brokers" or "To the highest angel of ____________." Somewhere in your request, include the phrase "for the highest good of all concerned." Close your request with an expression of gratitude. "Thank you, God" is always good.
3. If there are any people who might interfere with the fulfillment of your requests, write to their guardian angels and ask that anything that might block your progress with those people be removed.
4. Fold and seal your letter, find a special place for it, and consider it mailed.
5. Wait for a response, which may come in the form of intuition, opportunities for action, or feelings, such as peace of mind and knowing that all is well.

Fascinating, huh? All this comes from the fallout of a lethal diagnosis. My mom needs a house. They live on a huge piece of property on the backside of a lake & she can't live there alone in the winter, nor can they afford it w/Dad not working. So the family camp is for sale. Do I give up just about everything including being a SAHM, vacations, extras, new furniture, a new car (mine has 60,000+ right now) to try to keep the property in the family? This also means marriage counseling. It looks like if we can't get the loans necessary, a divorce is on the horizon. But is THAT the worst thing to happen? What would that do to the girls? Would Rebecca be able to continue ballet? I wouldn't be able to be Nicole's Daisy leader because I'd have to work. Could I maintain my kids lives similar to now as a single mother? At this point, I'd rather stay in an unhappy marriage so my kids can be kids. Plus, it would be unreasonably cruel if they lost their grandfather, summer home, and father all in one fell swoop. As it is they cry ever week when he goes back to work out of state. SOOOOOOO many things to consider, my mind is reeeeeling. As it also happens, my childhood sweetheart - actually summer love, just left his wife. Maybe it's our turn? Somewhere I was looking at a horoscope and it said this was going to be a year of BIG changes. The planets are aligning, I just don't know how it will all work out. For the best, I'm sure. And I have angels on my side. Thank God.